Gendo's Will: Boot to the Head
by Tachibana Azrael Chikoku
Summary: More or less continuing Rei the Tree Hugger. Gendo's dead and everyone with names comes to the reading of his will. Of course boots to the head are involved...


A/N: More or less an add-on to Rei the Tree Hugger. Not sure if it's funny though but then again I am using The Frantics' Boot to the Head as a basis so your pick. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Eva or The Frantics. Sue and I'll sic Tree Hugger Mode Rei on you.

* * *

Gendo's Will: Boot to the Head

The members…err members with known names of NERV gathered around a large round desk in Gendo…err the late Gendo Ikari's office. Details of his death are unknown other than a chainsaw slash that cut him in two. Curiously enough a will was found hastily written in his handwriting exactly one week after his death. Considering his status as World Heavyweight Bastard of the World no one bothered to care about the details and attended the reading of will anyways.

"As the Sub-Commander of NERV Japan and about as close of a friend to Gendo as it appears, I have gathered you all to hear Gendo's last will and testament." said Fuyutsuki.

"Can you make this quick, the bar opens in a half hour." said Misato.

In an act of OOCness and good acting Rei cried, "Oh poor Commander Ikari waah!"

"Now now Rei." reassured Shinji the Silencer.

Asuka would say something but she's still comatose.

"How predictably boring." commented Ritsuko.

"I need a good drink." said Kaji.

"Everyone sit down so I can read his will." said Fuyutsuki. "Now then I, Gendo Ikari, being of sound mind and bastardness…"

"Damn right hehehe." said Misato.

"…I hearby divide my wordly possessions to all. To my overly emotional genetic clone of Yui and First Child Rei."

"WAAAAHHH!" overemphasized cried Rei.

"Rei, he's talking about us." said Shinji the Silencer.

"Oh."

"Who refused to go 'under the desk', who denied me reviving Yui, and cried crocodile tears when I wanted sympathy. To Rei I leave…a boot to the head."

"Wha…" Rei got smacked in the head with a leather boot. "OW!"

"Rei, you okay?" said Shinji.

"And one to my wimpy son Shinji." Shinji got pelted by a boot and pained. If Asuka could laugh she could.

"Ah but still you are like a daughter to me, _ch…yeah right_, you have admired me for so long, _big time yeah right_," read Fuyutsuki.

"He's… a little kind…too kind." said Rei unemotionally.

"Therefore I bequeath…another boot to the head" One more boot strikes Rei.

"And one more for the wimp." One strikes Shinji. "Next is the alcoholic Lt. Colonel Misato Katsuragi."

"Hey I don't want no boot to the head." Misato chugs down a Yebisu.

"Who practically begged for everything she's worth for beer money."

"Covering up my head." She ducks under the desk.

"I leave you my wine cellar full of imported booze and 3 crates of my finest rare Yebisu." read Fuyutsuki.

"Rare Yebisu?" Misato stood up with crazed excitement in her eyes.

"And a boot to the head." A rubber boot strikes Misato's head. "And one more for Rei and the wimp." Rei got hit with a salty boot while Shinji gets a cleat to the face.

"OW, THAT WAS A FREAKING CLEAT NOT A BOOT!" yelled Shinji.

"If the wimp got hit by a cleat he gets a boot." A boot knocks down Shinji. "Next is to my so-called lover Ritsuko who I scored with every time."

"The man's so dry I had to use Maya's Vibe-chan to get off." said Ritsuko dryly which shocked Maya.

"I leave a boot to the head."

A muddy boot hits the bleached chain-smoker. "Please be mud."

"And one more for Rei and the wimp." Two more hits them; Rei gets knocked down while Shinji dodges a track shoe.

"Dammit, I nearly got hurt bad…damn father." growled Shinji. A boot silenced him.

"To Kaji,"

"How predictable." said Kaji.

"A boot to the head."

A boot hits Kaji. "I knew it."

"And one more for Rei and the wimp." Both gets hit by boots, or a moldy one in Shinji's case.

"DUDE!"

"To comatose Second Child Asuka…a boot to the head in the efforts to wake you up and to cut medical costs." A boot hits Asuka, miraculously waking her up from comatose sleep. UUnfortunately as soon as she woke up she began in a bitchy incoherent German rant. Fuyutsuki lied, "Though that's a bad idea so you get another boot to the head." A boot running mach speed collides with Asuka, returning her to a coma. "And another for Rei and the wimp." Both get the boot and immediately complain. A second strike shuts them up.

"To the bridge bunnies."

"We want nothing!" The bridge bunnies said.

"Who despite being delegated to so-called important roles,"

"That bastard." said Hyuuga.

"They're not so called-important roles, they're important enough roles." said Aoba.

Maya still stunned by the earlier realization of Ritsuko.

"Are still more important than everyone else in NERV without names,"

"Wha?" said both Hyuuga and Aoba.

"To all three I leave…a boot to the head." All three are struck by boots.

"And one more for Rei and the wimp." A boot hits Rei while a steel-toed boot strikes Shinji's crotch. Shinji howling pain causes the males to wince and cross their legs. Males with constitutions instantly fainted. The cultists back at school sensed an ominous premonition.

"That ominous feeling." said High Priest Toji.

"Our glorious leader has fallen!" exclaimed High Priest Kensuke.

"Quick we must sacrifice a virgin to appease our glorious leader." said High Priestess Hikari.

The trio looked at "potential" virgins among the cultists to only yell out to the Heavens, "WE'RE DOOMED!"

Shinji the _Silenced_ weakly said, "My…silencers…"

"And of course to the rest of NERV personnel I leave my entire vast- boot to the head." A chorus of boots flying out of nowhere hitting personnel can be heard and angry yelling is imminent. "And Fuyutsuki, my confidant, who served me all these years I leave not a boot to the head but a rabid Tasmanian Devil…to be placed in his pants…(agonized 

scream)…andIleavemyentireestateof10millionUStothereformationoftheTreeChoppersCult!" Fuyutsuki breathed heavily.

"Say what?" exclaimed Kaji.

"What a load!" yelled Misato.

"Bastard." muttered Shinji.

Before anybody can add on their two cents a chainsaw can be heard followed by maniacal laughing. "NO-BODY TOUCHES THE TREES!" Rei in Tree-Hugger mode ran out of the room and went in a killing barrage, later on killing the Tree Chopper Cult and stealing the money.

"There's more."

"Cover up your heads!" yelled Misato.

"I leave behind a lifetime of ice cream." read Fuyutsuki. The inheritors are stunned.

"Ice cream?" simultaneously said everyone.

"What flavor." added Shinji.

"Boot to the head!" Everyone is pelted with boots. Shinji in particular is hit by boots meant to cause extreme pain. Asuka surprisingly remain comatose and avoided the boots. "That's that. Now to find the Blue Tree Hugger." sighed Fuyutsuki.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" yelled the Tree Hugger on top of a pile of corpses.

* * *

A/N: That's about it. And Misato's rank in Rebuild is Lt. Colonel so I'm using that. Later cowboys…


End file.
